I sprinkle in the sunlight
by clary shadows
Summary: A twilight parody! Totally hilarious! Want a laugh please read! A million twilight short stories and dialogs! Written for giggles so dont take it seriously! Rated M for Cursing and sex implications! All random! No real story line! Read
1. Chapter 1

**This is for my fans you are all so sessy fiss!**

**Love you thank you!!!**

**So I was looking at the twilight parodies and there isn't many so I decided to write a story that makes fun of twilight the movie!!!**

**Just for the laugh!!!**

**So have fun!!!**

**Ps. REVIEW PLEASE!!!**

**Pps. This is a dialogue**

_(Scene; Bella's room.)_

**Edward:**Oh Bella my love burns for you with the intensity of a thousand suns! Oh what I wouldn't give for just one taste of you, to just take you and-

**Charlie:**For Christ sakes shut the fuck up!!! I'm watching the sports! If you are going to break into my daughters room every night do it quietly! and if your going to rape her get it over with! God some people...

_(Charlie stamps down the staires.)_

_(Edward climbs on top of Bella...)_

**~Next day~**

_(Scene; Parking lot)_

**Emmett:**Woh! How did she sleep through all that?

**Edward:**I don't know she's different... She did say my name though!

**Emmett:** Ewe! Seriously Edward! She's not one of us! That's like... Like you and a horse!

**Edward:** She does kinda look like a horse...

_(Scene; **Lunchroom)**_

**Bella: **Look Edward I know what you are.

**Edward: **Then say it out.

**Bella: **Rapist.

**Edward: **Are you afraid?

**Bella: **No but... I saw you glitter... like GLITTER! I just want to know the truth...

**Edward:**I'm a vampire! I sprinkle in the sun light, I shine like a twinkling star! I'm cold, pail and pasty like toothpaste!

**Bella: **So... My theory is that your a guy who does adds for toothpaste!

**Edward: **No I just told you that I'm a v-

**Bella: **So then you must be some sort of ice-cream! Because you are like a frozen ice pop I'm mean-

**Edward: **NO! OKAY! I AM A-

**Bella: **No! no! wait! wait! I have it! YOU ARE THE GAY VERSION OF A VAMPIRE!!!

**Edward: **No you stupid bitch! I am a vampire! A vampire! As in V.A.M.P... Ahhh something... something...

**Bella: **No wonder you've never finished high school! You are so dumb!

**Edward: **Look who's talking dumb ass.

**Bella: **HAHhahahah!!! Wait... What?

_(Scene; The nomads in the playing field.)_

**Laurent: **I am-

**Bella: **A bad actor on roller skates playing a vampire with homosexual powers like glittering!

**Laurent: **No! Stop talking! You can't talk! .!

**Bella: **Stop making fun of me!

**Laurent: **I am Laurent. This is Victoria and James.

_(Bella takes out a cookie and gives it a bite.)_

**James: **You brought a snack!

**Bella: **NOOOooooooo...-

**Everyone: **SHUT UP!

**Bella: **But he stole my cookie!

**Edward: **I shall save your cookie! Mwhahahahaha!

**Alice: **He's laughing like that because he ate your cookie. I saw it in my vision. And so he gave me some so I wouldn't talk! It's like the time he tried to rape me all over again.

**Bella: **What? Edward no my cookie! What What What are you even doing I mean my you I Alice? I though you rape me only I thought I what? Who? I We at where my and cheese puffs ewe at I hate love that there so how I-

**Everyone**: SHUT UP!

**Edward**: Mwhahahahahah! And now we can leave this silly human unprotected where she can die of her own stupidity! HAHAHA! Wait... She's the only one willing to have sex with me...

BELLA! I LOVE YOU... Be with me... AND TOGETHER, We can repeat high school over and over until one of us passes and I can finally move out of my parents house and get a life!

**Bella: **YAAAAY!!!

**Edward: **If you didn't like this story it was for a laugh and not real in reality I love twilight! Please review and if you don't... Well I'm Edward Cullen and I say Fuck you!

**~The End~**

**Did you like it??? Tell me!!!**

**The last part "I'm Edward Cullen and I say fuck you" Is not mine okay and Twilight is not mine eather!**

**Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

O.M.G!!! I NEVER THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD FIND THIS SO FUNNY! I LOVE YOU ALL!

And my cast of Sprinkeling Edward, Stupid Bella, Mean Charlie, Disgusted Emmett, Bribable Alice, Naughty James and Bold Laurent love you too!!!

They sent kisses and hugs and lots of loves, some blood, mostly Bella's, the giant blow up penis they stole from Mike Newton and one of Jasper's teeth that was found when they were getting the blood from the magicaly bleading Bella!

_**... ...review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... review... ...**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay are you still reading this???**

**No? WELL THEN READ!!!**

**Good!!!**

**This may not work since you know I said ~The End~ This story was totally meant to finish but then I decided hay! Why not do New Moon and Eclipse and Breaking Dawn???**

**And so I will!**

**So me and my babies are back!!! Say hay to or lovely dip shit stars Edward and Bella!!!**

**This story is going M soon just so's you know!!!**

**Ps. This is still dialogue!!!**

_(Scene: The School.)_

**Edward: **Happy Birthday BELLA!!!

**Bella: **W.T.F??? O.M.E!!! Edward shut your beautiful cake hole!!! I can't let people know I'm ageing! It's so... Unnatural... Look at this I mean look at this!!! I have wrinkles! Already on my forhead! LOOK!!!

**Edward:**Urrhh!!! Disgusting!!! The horror! Is that a zit? Ewe ewe ewe! Yucky! I don't even know what O.M.E means!!!

**Bella: **O.M.E! Edward means 'Oh My Edward!' Edward.

**Edward: **Don't say my name I don't want people to know we are together!!! Shh... Maybe we can put a bag over your head?

**Bella: **I'm so sorry Edward! I have dishonored you by being in your presence...

_(Bella's face looks all depressed)_

**Edward: **Oh Bella your wrinkles are gone! Keep you face like that for the next few months!!! Preferably all through September, October, November, December and January! And Awesome that zit it's only a drop of blood!

...Wait why is Jasper daydreaming about chewing your face? Ewe Jazz that's my girlfriend your fantasising about! SO uncool!

**Jasper: **Grr Grr snarl saliva drool snort Grr snort snort Grr... Snort snort grr............ Grrr drool.......... Dribbly snort.....

**Edward: **God what is wrong with you now Bella?

**Bella: **HELP HE'S DROOLING ON MY BLOODY FACE AND CHEWING MY OLD PEOPLES SKIN!!!

**Edward: **Look Bella... I got a part in a better play it's called 'Fangs' Or something like that... so come on Jasper!

_(Edward and Jasper run off leaving Bella alone.)_

_(Scene: Bella's house.)_

**Bella: **No wonder Edward left me!!! I have gone insane with grief! I hear his voice! It's been 1 hour and I am already an Emo! My make up has run all over and I want to die... Knifes look pritty in the sun light! Just like Edward! Whaaaawahhhwahhhhhhh! I still hear him... Huh...HUh...HuH!

_(The answering mechine has been playing a message for the past few hours)_

**Edward: **ANSWER THE PHONE BELLA! COME ON! I REALISED THAT I ACTUALLY MISS YOU AND I'M REALLY HORNY! PLEASE? BELLA! OH GOD WORST DAY EVER!

**Bella: **Whaaaa!!! Whaaaaahhhhh haaahhhh....

_(Scene: La Push)_

**Jacob: **I'm Jacob Black _(Sexy pose!)_You must be Bella... Did you know my whole family have this habit of fucking wolves? You look like a dog or maybe if you tilt you head... It's a horse! HAHA! Come! I have no recollection of the meaning personal space! I bet you want me! EVERYONE wants me! Even the prick with fangs Edward Cullen. Look at this! It's a 10 pack!Yeah!

**Bella: **Emmett used to say I looked like a horse! Wahhahhhh! This is worse then the time James stole my cookie!

**Jacob: **BELLA! I would never steal your cookie... I like garlic and cheese!

**Bella: **Ewe... No wonder I never kissed you in the movie... How long have you liked garlic and cheese?

**Jacob: **A WHILE...

**Bella: **Huh... He's got some of Edwards lines...Maybe this can work out I mean your way more buff than Edward there's... Only one thing I hate garlic And cheese is the devils play thing!

**Jacob: **Nooooo! You no good Blood sucker mother fucker!

**Bella: **HAHAHAHAHA! Wait what?

_(Scene: Bella's house.)_

**Bella: **I knew you would come Alice! God told me 'jump' and Edward laughed and said 'at last I'm free of you dumb ass!' And then... And then...

**Everyone: **SHUT UP!

**Alice: **Bella! Its horrible the new play Edwards in is a porno movie!!! It's career suicide!!! If he shows his dickaroony on camera he's screwed! Literately!!!

**Bella**: Then lets go Alice this may be the LAST CHANCE I get to see his disco stick!!!

**Alice**: ...

**Bella: **ARE WE THERE YET???

**Alice: **We haven't even left...

**Clary(Me):** And so Alice and Bella travel to the Voltaire roll play stage to find the soon to disrobe Edward standing facing the large cheering crowd,

Alice runs away when she sees he's hairy but defined chest but Bella licked her lips as his shows his BIG DI... NOOOOO! SHIT!

THAT LITTLE SHIT BELLA RAN UP AND TOLD HIM TO STOP BEFORE I COULD SEE AND THEREFOR DESCRIBE THE GOOD STUFF AND NOW YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL BREAKING FREAKING DAWN TO GET SOME SORT OF INKLING TO NAKEDWARD THE ONLY PERSON (other than Jacob) WE READ M FAN-FICTIONS FOR!

DAMN YOU DIP SHIT SWAN_!_

~The End~

**REVIEW OR ELSE! I know where you live!**

**Eclipse is up next so keep reading!!! And**

**If you don't like it well ****I'm Edward Cullen and I say 'Fuck you!'**


	4. Chapter 4

**WERE GOING MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM**

**O.M.E!**

**REVIEW PEOPLES TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!**

****** means BEEP.**

_(scene: school)_

**Bella:**Edward I'm coming!

**Emmett: **That's what she said.

**Edward: **EMMETT! HOW CAN YOU THINK SUCH DISGUSTING THINGS! I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE HER PLEASURE!

**Bella: **Nooooooooooo!

**Everyone: **Shut up!!!

**Bella: **Edward you promised! When you proposed!

**Edward: **NO MEANS NO BELLA! Why can't you accept my hatred of you?

**Bella: **But I don't want to die a virgin! And I will if you don't ride me!

**Emmett: **Yah Edward whats the point in having a talking horse if you don't wanna hump it?

**Edward:**It's a conspiracy! Like the time the squirrels tried to take over the world! Oh I got them fur balls good. Maybe this is a sign to get rid of the human... But Emmett's on her side...

They are trying to rid me of my virginy goodness... How do I get out of this situation? If I strangle Emmett to death while Bella sucks my cock and then I can choke her too... Hummm that

could work...

**Bella: **Squirrels?

**Emmett: **He ran around the world with a shot gun screaming die squirrels die...

**Bella: **But I like squirrels.

**Edward: **Oh god no she's one of them! RUN! RUN AWAY!

**Emmett: **Oh shit not again...

_(scene: Edwards back!!! Who cares where!!!)_

**Bella: **Have you thought anymore about punching my V. card???

**Edward: **Your going to let me punch you? YES!!! SCORE!

**Bella: **No silly... I meant I want you to dip your ice-cream cone into me and rub and scrub 'till I'm all hot and sticky!

**Edward:** Icky! Icky! Your unclean! UNCLEAN!

**Bella: **But Edward you said you'd love me even when I'm eighty!

**Edward: **Eighteen Bella not Eighty!!! Ewe when you eighty you'll be all dried up and old! What kinda freak would promise you this!

**Bella: **Lets have some fun this beat is slick I wanna take a ride on your disco stick...

_(scene: La Push)_

**Jacob: **Bella why are you with that douch bag?

**Bella: '**Cause he has big duch bags... That taste like ice-cream... Just like I thought in twilight he must be half ice-cream... mmmmmm...

**Jacob: **But he leaves you unsatisfied! He'll never sleep with you! You look like a dog/horse but in my wolf form... Man... You'd look like THE most fuckable bitch...

**Bella: **Did you just call me a fuckable?

_Bella punchs Jacob._

**Bella:** OW OW OW! YOU SON OF A BEEP YOU COMPLETE MOTHER BEEPER! YOU BEEP BEEP BEEPING BEEP BEEP!**** **** BEEP **** ****

**Jacob: **What? I'm confuzeled...

**Bella: **BEEP! Victoria's back and Edward's gone!

**Jacob: **Cool Victoria's seeexaaay!

**Bella: **Even though I have a fucked up brain and don't find you attractive I DO NOT WANT TO CATCH YOU THINKING OF ANOTHER GIRL!

**Jacob: **God I should just fine a new born arm to kill me now.

**Bella: **Nope no way am I aletting you to do that.

**Jacob: **I bet they'd kill you for free...

_(Scene, Bella's getting killed again so do a dance.)_

**Edward: **Okay now don't kill her! My pint size sister will kill me if you do!

**Victoria: **Oh come on Edward no fare you said if I let you kill James I could kill that stupid anoying dog horse!

**Alice: **Edward if you let her kill my secret lesbien lover I will CUT IT OFF!

**Bella**: Alice! He's not supposed to know how much of a slut I am!

_Alice scratches herself 'Down there ' in a I have an S.T.D sorta fashion._

**Alice**: I know I think after the night we spent together I caught some S. but that is so 80s and 80s are so in!

**Clary(Me**!): In the mean while Edward killed Victoria because of the rage that filled him when he realised Bella was a whore and got to do Alice which, him being a rapist found so

anoying seen as when he tryed to feek that pixie she got away... (Wait how can a vergin be a rapist? IMPORTANT QUISTIONS!) He then decided that since Bella was the only girl who

would sleep with him and was still a vergin (seen as Alice doesn't have a peen. And all the other girls in Sporks were sluts.) He would marry then deflower her and together they would

kill the squirrel race!

~THE END~

**REVIEW!**

**Because I need them **

**like a tick needs a tock,**

**like bannanas need pyjammas **

**like a nun needs cock!**

**REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**THIS CHAPTER IS TITLED A MONTH BEFORE THE WEDDING! EDWARD AND BELLA GO TO SCHOOL! IF YOU DON'T REVIEW I WILL KILL EDWARD CULLEN! (the teddy bear)**

_(Scene: In the car)_

**Bella:** You mean it Edward you will change me and make hot, passionate, fucking, love, pleasure to meeee?!

**Edward: **If you say your pussy belongs to me and I can sell it on e-bay when I'm done with you.

**Bella: **Yay! Of course I'm all yours Edward baby! I guess that means I'll have to return Mike's giant blow up penis to him!

**Edward: **My plans coming together! MWHAHAHA! I'll be rich! I'ma pimp out your ass!

**Bella: **Will tattoos work on vamps or do I have to settle for magic marker?

**Edward: **MWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! *Snort* Opps!

_(scene: School)_

**Mr. teacher whats his face: **SO... Who can tell me about the Normans? How about Miss Swan?

**Bella: **Well through out history there have been many Normans, it is a popular name! I don't know all their surnames so lets call them...

Norman A

Norman B

Norman C

e.c.t....

Norman 1

Norman 2

Norman 3

e.c.t....

Big Norman

Little Norman

Medium Sized Norman

Smaller than Large Norman but not as slim as Slim Norman.

e.c.t....

Norman bastard

Norman cunt

e.c.t....

And the last group of Norman names woulds be;

Ohhh ohhh NORRRRRRMAN!!!

HARDER NORMAN HARDER!

e.c.t....

AND... Well, Sir the lists go on, really, Norway is a big place and all the people living there are called Norman! I could never say all the names in one day! But I'm sure the 450,000 I've mentioned will help!

**Mr teacher whats his face: **Zzzzzzzz...z.z..z... Huh?... Hum?... Oh yes sure... sure Miss Swan am... Class dismissed go and think about what you've learnt.

**Edward: **Huh... She actually gets through to me, I understand what she says... Maybe raping her on or honeymoon will be nice. I'm sorta happy with her... Huh... I love to rape her...

**Bella: **He always says the sweetest things!

**Edward: **Shut up.

**Everyone: **Yah!

**Bella: **Okay. *Sniffle*

**Edward: **Nobody cares Bella... Hey I wonder if I throw a ball at Jacob Black will he follow it?

**Jacobs thoughts: **Oh look a ball! Run run run! Fetch it for my master! Ruff Ruff! Hahahahah! Dribble!

**Edward: **L.o.L! I'm finally getting a hang of what you young peoples call slang! Bling... ah... Bling? Up in the hood! I'm a cracker! Peace Men! Pizzel my Dizzel! Everyone I love my peep!


	6. Chapter 6

**Ohhh kay...**

**Yee all have noticed I haven't updated in ... forever BUT! I HAVE GOOD REASONS!**

**I don't want to do the BREAKING Dawn chapter until B.D is out...**

**IN THE MEAN TIME!**

**I will be posting random tidbits mmmmkay?**

**REVIEW! xoxoxoxoxoxo**

**(Because you love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)**

**

* * *

**_(Scene: the Cullen's house)_

_A typical day at the Cullen's._

**Alice: **Ohhh Bella you came! Yay! Ummm about the wedding... I know you want to have intercourse with Edward like today... But you can't cause it's Carlisle's turn to diddle Edward!

**Bella: **Intercourse?... As in between people or groups? Is this your way of saying you and Jazz wan't some sorta orgy?

**Jasper: **_Grr grr snort saliva mmmhhh... Blood! I will drain her and use her blood as lubricant!_

**Alice: **Oh Jazz you always say the most romantic things!

**Edward: **Ahhhhhh! Help! Bella! It's my family's annual diddle me Edward game day!

**Bella: **Ohhh fun! So it's like your a toy right? Like tickle me Elmo?... I had my first sex dream about tickle me Elmo...

**Edward: **Beeeelllllllaaaaaa! YOU ARE NOT ALOUD TO DREAM OF ANYONE BUT ME! Now I have to wax every hair from your body except your eyebrows and head hair!

**Bella: **Nooooo! Why! AHHHH IT HURTS!

**Edward: **Because now Elmo will never want you with hardly any hair! I mean he's all fuzzy and now... Oh shit....

**Bella: **What? Owe OWEEEEY! AHHHHHHHH!

**Edward: **I sortaaaaaa.... Waxed off all the skin on your vag jay jay....

**Jasper: **_YUMMMMY! BLOODY PUSSY LUBYNESS!_

**Bella: **OH KINKY!

**Carlisle: **Now that 'aint right!

**Esme: **Carlisle help her! She's my little baby human thing I need her alive or Ima kill you all slowly with poison!

**Carlisle: **Is she dead? I only gave her 10,000 ml of cocaine and vodka shots to knock her out! Oh Oo! No! RUN AWAY!

**Edward: **He's probably gone back to New Mexico... Hey Mama!

**Bella: **Oh look he's with his mammy!

**Emmett: **Yah they hug in a special way often! Now I'm going to do that with Rose!

**Alice: **IT'S MY TURN NEXT!

**Bella: **No it's mine he's my boyfriend!

**Jasper: **_I fuck all you bitches even gay rapist boy... Snort grrr! Orgys... and blood...mmmh!_

**Edward: **OH KINKY!

**Bella: **That's what I said!

**Edward/Bella: **TWINS! WERE THE NEXT JEDWARD!

**Everyone: **NO! OFF! OFF! OFF! JEDWARD ARE SHIT! BOO! SHUT UP!

**Edward/ Bella: **ICE ICE BABYYYYYYYYYY! ICE ICE BABY!

PRESSURE! GRINDING DOWN ON ME! HUMPING DOWN ON YOU NO MATTER WHAT!

LETS FUCK! AND SPIN LIKE TWISTERS! INA PUSSY OUT A SPHINCTER! DO IT OR LEAVE IT YOU BETTER GET PRICKED! YOU BETTER MAKE BABIES AND EAT YOUR OWN SICK!

PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE!

**Everyone: **SHUT UP! Were getting the Volterra people to kill you you sick twin incest people!

**Emmett: **WOOH! AWESOME!

**Rose: **Oh my god they'r like so shit... Emmett... Like fuck me... I don't like woman's bigingoes... Only your's...

**Emmett: **YES! I'M GETTING SEX! HAY YOU RANDOMER I'M GETTING SEX!

**Clary Shadow (me!): **And so Emmett and Rose 'hugged in a special way' and Carlisle killed a few patients in Mexico by trying to be a doctor even though he's really just a butcher...

And Esme and Edward finished the game of diddle me Edward after he and Bella became famous the new John and Edward (Jedward), Peter and Rick (Prick).

While Jasper and Alice did some freaky stuff in there room that sounded very scary (Nothing unusual there) and I looked on in horror as my story became crazier and different...er...

All rights reserved to the song! I made up that song! steal it you die! I will send Mick after you with his giant blow up penis!

**REVIEW!**

**OR ELSE! NO GAMES OF DIDDLE ME EDWARD FOR YOU!**

**SO YOU BETTER REVIEW!**


	7. Chapter 7

HI!

Does that creep you out? Ha!

Okay listen! I've set some goals please help me achieve them!

WHY?

Cause you love me? And also because I hardly never write author notes and I wont write any more after this one unless I get really sick or something....

So GOAL NUMBER....

1#. For 100. People on fan fiction to read and review my_ profile!_ My profile not my stories mmmkay?

2#. For 100 people to review _I sprinkle in the sunlight!_

3#. To find out people have spread the word of _I sprinkle in the sunlight._

3#. For _SHANE DAWSON _to read I sprinkle in the sunlight! _AND _for him to review it! And make a parody of it! (Cause his movies are legend!)

4#. For people to know my real name it is.......................................... LOOK AT MY PROFILE TO FIND OUT! HA!

5#. To have a cool you tube page on day....

HELP ME TO ACHIEVE THESE THINGS AND I WILL DO SOMETHING SPECTACULAR!

REVIEW! AHHHHHH!


	8. Chapter 8

**Review!**

**Did I scare you?...**

**

* * *

**_(scene; a typical day at Bella's house.)_

**Bella:** Well your a sweets racist Edward!

**Edward: **Then you must be a candy hoar Bella!

**Charlie: **Snoooooorrrreee

**Edward: **Jezz! So is your dad!

**Bella: ** HE'S ASLEEP DUMB ASS!

**Edward: **Your asleep!

**Bella: **That doesn't even make sense!

**Edward: **So's your face!

**Bella: **That's it! You mama's so stupid she got fired from the m 'n' m factory for throwing out all the 'w's.

**Edward: **I told you that in private you candy hoar! Yo mama's so ugly she entered into an ugly contest and they said sorry no professionals!

**Bella: **Oh my god you little cheese puff! Grr yo mama's so stupid she tells yo mama jokes to orphans!

**Edward: **THE GLOVES ARE OFF! YO MAMA'S SO UGLY SHE LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND WAS ARRESTED FOR MOONING!

**Bella: **It's not my fault all mine are true you stupid virgin who has a prejudices to sweets rapist! It's yo mama's!

**Edward: **Ha! You can't think of another one so I win!

**Bella: **Fine! I hate you!

**Edward: **Oh Bella!...

**Bella: **Grrr!

**Edward: **_(in a smexy voice)_ Oh wait you've got something on your chest!

**Bella: **AHHHHHHH GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

**Edward: **My eyes...

**Bella: **AHHHHHHHH! OH wait what?

**Edward: **What's a slutty girl like you doing in a classy place like this? I mean Whats a classy girl like you doing in a dump like this? Because during me learning of the young peoples slang I learned the word on the street was legs lets go back to me place and spread the word...

**Bella: **Oh Edward you so turn me onnnnnn...

**Edward: **I can spell boobies on my calculator but I much rather see yours...

**Bella: **Only if I can see yours...

**Edward: **What?

**Bella: **What? Oh wait I meant... ahhh...

**Edward: **No Bella what did you mean? Are you trying to say I'm getting fat! Is that what your trying to say?

**Bella: **No Edward I...

**Edward: **Here I was trying to spice things up being all romantic and then you go and complain about my weight! I work out every day and you never notice!

**Bella: **Edward I-

**Charlie: **Snorrrrre snooort cough fucking ho's Ima bitch slap you... fart... snooorrrre...

**Bella: **Edward I lov-

**Edward: **No Bella! Listen your parents are holes and you are the shit, but I need to go loose 50,000 pounds before the wedding okay?

**Bella: **BUT! I WANT TO GET LAYED! EDWARD! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I WAS JUST THINKING OF THAT TIME ME AND ALICE HOOKED UP! EDWARD! DAMN...

**Jacob: **Jezz! What a girl!

**Bella: **You don't know the half of it... Hey can you run me over to Mikes? Or Micks? Or what ever his name is! I need his giant blow up penis again.

**Jacob: **Sure! You do know he never washes it?

**Bella: **I know that's what keeps it lucky! Orgasms guaranteed!

**Clare S (me): **And so Edward and Bella made up and had some blow up penis fun while Jacob watched in the garden like the pedophile he is (but we still love him!)

And Charlie kept his pimp dreams alive by trying to pimp out Bella to Alice (Again... Yes people that's how it started!) and Carlisle continued on his butchering way with Esme the mother who would kill for her babies (scratch that, who has killed for her babies)

and Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie stalked me trying to find out why I knew so much about them and why I keep trying to get back teddyward (My teddybear that they stole thinking he was Edward)

NOW I'ma eat a jam doughnut!

**.REVIEW!**

**.e**

**.v**

**.i**

**.e**

**.w**

**.S**

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**.Please**

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	9. Chapter 9

**Another funny dialog! Wooh!**

**I've added a new person to this story my friend Sarah D! Cause she said if I don't she'll cry! awe!**

**so she has two personality's Sarah D1 Sarah D2! **

**Review or we'll cry!**

**

* * *

**_(Scene; On the road...)_

**Bella: **Ohhhh... It's my first road trip with actual people! Not just the voices in my head! Their out of this world leprechaun!

**Everyone: **NOPE! Were still here! Now shut up and eat a mouthwatering sock!

**Edward: **Bella shut your face and I'll give you a butter biscuit! Just take my sock out of your mouth...

**Bella: **Edward look there's a naked chick on the road! Can I take her home with me?

**Edward: **That's it Bella! No butter biscuits for you! Just my crab balls and a red baboon bottom spanking you ho! Oh yah I'm really getting the hang of yo young-ins slang!

**Sarah D1: (Sitting and rocking on the road) **Com bi yah mii loooorrrrdddd com bi yah! Lets com on bisexuals or by the lord! Com bi yah mii-

**Edward: **Oh look it looks like there's a naked hobo in the middle of the road rolling about in an orgasmic way! I bet she'll hijack us!

**Bella: **Oh my god! Were going to die! You can take our lives but you can't take take our trousers! Cause were wearing skirts!

**Sarah D1: **I've come to tell you your future ohhhhhoooooo...

**Alice: (Magically appears) **Oh no you don't that's my job hocker! I'ma pop up yo ass!

**Sarah D1: **Nope I'ma go all bippity boppity boo on you and you'll for shizzle end up in yo ass!

**Clary S (Me): **What's wrong with me and this story? Bella distract them! Alice go home! Quit drinking! And just... Give Jasper a wank okay!

**Bella: **Hey Edward if you had to choose between always having an orgasm or never having an orgasm what would you choose?

**Sarah D2: **Oh my god... OH my god! OH MY... OH MY GOD!

**Edward: **What the fudge cakes!

**Bella: **EDWARD! Shut you beautiful cake hole you can't curse!

**Sarah D1: **She does that allot cause she made the choice and chose always to orgasm! Now as for your future.

**Sarah D2: **OH GOD! PENIS FILLED COCK! DICK STICKS!

**Bella: **Edward I'm afraid shes talking about herself to us! It's not normal!

**Edward: **Bella hold on she has a thing to tell us!

**Sarah D1: **FIRST! I gota throw some skittles at you to test your trust! TASTE THE FUCKING RAINBOW FREAKELLA AND WEIREDWARD!

**Bella + Edward: **AHHHHHH!

**Sarah D1: **You have passed! Now foooorrrrrr yoooourrrrr fuuutuurrrreeeee oooooohhhhh! *cool hand movements* ohhhhhhh

**Edward: **Stay strong Bella!

**Bella: **I can't!

**Sarah D1: **_Edward shall expose himself to yo mama's chocolate cakes while Bella sacrifices herself for dreams of Edward's peen and Jasper realizes he is mad from an upside down marshmallow oooooohhhhhhhhh!_

**Bella: **OH NO! WAIT! I have no idea what she just said?

**Edward**: Me neither! Oh no!

**Bella: **WHAT!

**Edward: **THAT **** BEEPING ****** BEEP OF A BEEPING **** **** ******* BEEP STOLE MY AWESOME CAR!

**Bella: **Oh no! So our future wont come true?

**Clare S (Me): **And so Alice came to give Edward and Bella a lift home but was still drunk and angry at them so it ended up being a verrrrrrrrrrry long walk home!

And as for their future no one knows what will happen next... EXCEPT FOR ME! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!

**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	10. Chapter 10

_(scene; A day at Edward's house!)_

_WARNING! Lots of unnecessary screaming and random crap going on in this chapter! Review!_

**Bella: **Hey Emmett do you know what happens if a man dies with an erection? I mean once rigor-mortise sets in wont it be all 'POP!' up in the air for like forever?

**Emmett: **Oh my God Edward your horse face genius of a finance came up with the awesome-ist question about man berries EVER!

**Edward: **Emmett awesome-ist isn't a word.

**Emmett: **YAH IT IS! Like super-callie-fragalistic-h.p-allie-dosious! I mean imagine at the funeral parlor! They'd be changing his clothes and out comes his trouser snake!

**Edward: **L.O.L! I'm like L.M.F.A.O! They'd be all W.T.F? O.M.E!

**Jasper: **Edward you aint as ghetto as you think... Your white! Like the whitest!

**Edward: **Says you cowboy... Have you heard yourself when your thirsty your like *snort! saliva! dribble! Blooooooood!*

**Jasper: **What?

**Emmett: **That's the BEST-IST Impression of thirsty Jasper EVER!

**Bella: **It's true... He's like a giant pointy crayon...

**Jasper: **That's it! Alice? My Crazy little crack whore gnome jumping around like she's had way to much pop? Is that what I sound like when I'm thirsty?

**Alice: **Yes! My horny BIG bastard cowboy WITH a huge sexual apatite and a very BIG DICK!

**Bella: **The sock eating leprechauns that live in my head agree too.

**Everybody: **YAH! Now shut up!

**Jasper: **This can not be happening it's so not true I... I... I hate you all you bleeding scum bags! Urh... I... WAHHHHHHHH!

**Alice: **Bella is it your time of the month again?

**Bella: **I need some ICE-CREAM! AHHHHHH!

**Jasper: **AHHHHHH!

**Edward: **Take that as a yes...

**Carlisle: **Scene as Bella has many personality's if we do "assist" her in "suicide" would it be suicide or homicide? In my experted doctorly opinion I say-

**Bella: **Your not a doctor your a butcher you D.I.L.F! I-

**Edward: **OH so Bella can abbreviate but I cant huh? W-

**Jasper: **Your WHITER that your dumb ass girl Eddie! Just give it up you Fagg-

**Emmett: **But listen Rose! The man would be in his coffin... His Mama would bend over and he'd have HIS BONER RIGHT IN HER FACE! It would be so-

**Rose: **Listen Emmett everything happens for like a reason... I'm going to like punch you in your face for a like reason so stop being so-

**Esme: **FOR GODS SAKE! Every Sunday! I'ma lie down and masturbate for a while... Oh I mean... I'm. Going. To. Go. To. My... ROOM AND LISTEN TO SOME... Music?...

_(scene: Same place 10sec. later.)_

**Hungry vibrator: **Buzzz ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ZZZZZZ -

**Esme: **Oh yes... Oh at last! Ahhh! Fuck!-

**Rosalie: **Urh I like do not need to here this... Emmett come...

**Emmett: **Rose... You make me happy and sad at the same time...

**Rosalie: **Your cock is bigger than your brothers.

**Edward: **Oh shit! Am... Carlisle!

_(Runs and hides behind him while Emmett screams like a school girl (smexy...))_

**Edward: **Esme's only like this cause you don't fulfill her needs. Oh Zing!

**Carlisle: **And you do? She screams my name even when she's with you. Oh ZING! Your a bad son... Now I have too much blood in my alcohol system time for drink! Off to Mexico!

**Edward: **ZING! Wooh! ESMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

**Hungry vibrator: **Zzzz Backz Offz Wzitez boyz zzzzzzzzz ZZZZZZZZ zzzzz!

**Edward: **But I'm horny!... Jazz could you suck me like a lollipop?

**Jasper: **Fucking white trash, they're like fucking hamsters crawling all over each other... Alice! Grab me push me up against the wall and kiss me like you mean it!

**Alice: **I love Bella's T.O.M! HORMONES ROCK! Mmmmmmmmmhummmh!

**Bella: **Edward! I wana eat your orgasms! No wait... I wana hit you up side the head!... No wait I wana ICE-CREAM!

**Edward: **No... It's not... She's insane at the moment... Alice If I cant use slang no one can AHHHHHHHH!

**Jasper: **AHHHHHHHH!

**Bella: **I'm not insane my mama had me tested and everything! AHHHHHH! What everyone else was screaming... Edward! Is that you PENIS!

**Edward + Jasper: **Oh shit...

**Bella + Alice: **IT'S HUGE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Death to them time to put plan erection man to the test!

**Everyone: **Well Fuck me! Its true!

**Clary S (ME!): **Well that was just a random chapter! I never meant to write it but I was bored and was craving some reviews!

If you have any idea weather plan dead man erection actually does work tell me! I'm curious!

Also remember there WILL BE LEMON! But I want to see the Breaking Dawn movie first before I write it!

(I love Edwards peep too...) Oh and Jacob Black will be back!

To all who have reviewed I LOVE YOU! I.L.Y! AND SO DOES EDWARD or Jacob which ever way you role... Or Alice too if your a lesbian or bi... okay enough about sexuality!

Do any of yee know Shane Dawson cause I want him to make a parody of this story!... And I want one of his tee-shirts! 3

Hey check out my profile! And review!


	11. Chapter 11

**HERE! RIGHT HERE IS... Another crazy chapter; Look up crazy in the dictionary and you'll find the perfect description of me! Review me your definitions!**

**

* * *

**

_(scene; A day out with the Cullen boys )_

**Bella:** Edward! Your having my baby! Young girl and I'm telling you I'm not going and you can't always get what you want!

**Emmett: **Huh?

**Edward: **She's sleep talking she does that allot, I mean you'd think I'd get one bit of peace and quite from her constant stream of funk!

**Bella: **Pringles condoms once you pop you can't stop!

**Emmett: **hum... Tasty!

**Jasper: **Edward! Your not cool okay! You white and very gay so shut up!

**Bella: **The voices in my head sound like Jasper! $2.25 for custard creams what is the world coming to...

**Edward: **JUST because I ate Ben and Jerrie's cookie dough ice~cream off your cousin Barry does not mean I'm gay!

**Emmett: **Dude it does!

**Bella: **His arse hole is moving as he orgasms...

**Jasper: **What the fuck?

**Emmett: **She's 'sleep talking', as Edward says.

**Bella: **KRYPTONITE!

**Jasper: **Oh! Right... That's not weired at all...

**Bella: **The nun was pregnant and went to the monastery screaming which one of you dirty bastards was jacking off the candles?

**Edward: **That would be me! I mean... Bella... Shut up! I'm sick of you... Get out of here! Your not wanted no more! I-

**TV. Broadcast: **Are you a Cullen boy?

Do you have Erectile dysfunction? (You know you do!)

Do you want it to be dealt with nicely with out people laughing *snigger* (yah right)...

Then go to ! We will sort you down trodden peen lippity split!

Wait... (WHO'S DICK IS THIS! Oh~ ammmm... Sorry but... The best we can do is... Stuff it and you can give it to your wife? No? Oh hay no need to get violent AHH!-)

-Beep!-

We will be back after these messages.

**Bella: **Hairy knuckles!

_~To be continued..._

_

* * *

_**Review! For ... Magic beans! And... Jaspers stuffed cock?**

**Oh that sounds naughty...**

**REVIEW!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Recently... I have gone... A bit... ONLY A BIT... Crazy in this story, It's lost it's story line right?**

**So I'm thinking long and hard and I'm going to try again with the Eclips chapter I've booked my tickets will see the movie and try to get back on track...**

**FOR NOW! Read this advert I made! Yes another one! Do you like them!**

**This story belongs to Stephine Meyer but this SCRIPT BELONGS TO ME TAKE IT I'LL CRY! OKAY! Good!**

**I don't own the song NO OFFENCE This will offend people... I should have been saying that from the start really... Oh well! I say it now!**

* * *

Mr. TV. Gangstar/cop Man aka Charlie: The

Blow hard 3,000 allows you to use only compressed air to blow your balls however wherever you want them!

Buy now for only (999.00 euro!) Send all money to my (B.B!) (Bottom bitch) at said address and we will send you your brand new Blow hard 3,000 with a free 1 day trial!

Effects of the blow hard 3,000 may include crying, itching (if bought on the cheep) and orgasms do not use if you have erectile dysfunction (See. floppy willy . com ) This add is directed to men between the ages of 14 and rich older men to the ages of 80 please call 085-

Edward: Damn I gotta get me some of that!

Bella: Edward how could you? *** slaps *** Leaves ***

Edward: (whispers) I'll take that as a yes! Heheheee!

Edward: (singing with add music) Don't player hate on me,

player, player hate somebody else (like ELMO yo yo)  
Yo, yo yo I'm a gangster (yes me yo yo yo...)  
Where my dogs at? (owo owo owwwwooooooh! Wait what?)  
Bark with me if you're my dog (rough sniff snort)  
Yo yo yo, I'm going, (to cum on you boobies)  
Im gonna give a shout out to all the player haters (hay player slaters)  
(I don't like player haters) (me no likie player haters!)

If you're a player hater don't player, player hate on me (get off on me)  
(player hate somebody else) (like yes me yo yo)  
I'm a gangster, I'm straight up (like erections!)  
(straight up gangster, dude) (in the air)  
Grrr I'm steaming mad. grrr (rough rough snort)

I'm a gangster, I'm a straight up G (GNOMES! Dress like pirates...)  
The gangster life is the life for me ( A pirates life is the life for me diddy dom dom dom diddy dom dom dee ARGH!)  
Shooting people by day, selling drugs by night (GUNzzzz!)  
Being a gangster is hella tight. (Killzzzz!)  
I walk around town with a stark erection, (PENISzzzzz!)  
Then gave your mom a yeast infection (S.T.D are so 80's and 80s are so in!)  
I saw the police man and I punched him in the eye (Eye ball! Like jam doughnuts...)  
To serve and protect, WHAT A LIE! (Lies are like crack mamas with crack babies)  
I also don't like white people, you shouldn't too (Crackers with peeps!)  
And don't get me started about the jews (Oh no baby thats mean!)

I'm a gangster (GANGSTAR YAH LIKE A STAR)  
Grrr I'm mad (Anger!)  
I'm a gangster (Cheese puffs!)  
My rhymes are bad (NAUGHTYNESS)  
I'm a gangster (Wee!)  
I'm iced out like a freezer (I'm so cold so I must be a gangster)  
I'm a gangster (Star!)  
I don't listen to Weezer (Weeners!)

I dropped out of school at the age of 3 (I failed my first school at the age of 17 and still am cause I'm no 109 and a vampire kinda stuck in a rut)  
(why?) (Cause I have raping urges...)  
Coz all the teachers tried to player hate on me. (Hate is wrong)  
(oh) (?)

My rhymes are cool, just like doing cocaine (BLOOD IS COOLER THOUGH CAUSE THAT'S What I do...)  
My rhymes are hot, like a burning flame (I'm cool?)  
Sisqo is my homie, he's a ganster too (Emmet is my homie and he has problems!)  
Me and Sisqo are the leaders of the gangster crew (Carlisle and me RULE!)  
I like to be in jail and he likes to sing and dance (I like all kindsa things!)  
(yay) (yay!)  
Some say we're the perfect match (FIRE!)

STEP OFF! (HUH?)  
STEP BACK! (WHAT?)  
STEP AWAAAY! (AHHHH!)  
STEP BACK! (HELP AHHH!)  
DON'T STEP FORWARD! (BELLA SAVE ME!)  
STEP BACK! (BEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAA!)  
DON'T STEP FORWARDS! (AHHHHH!)  
STEP BACKWARDS! (I AM I AM!)  
BACKWARDS, DON'T STEP TO ME! (OH YAH YOUR JUST THE TV!)  
DO NOT STEP TO MEEE! (OKAY OKAY CALM DOWN...)

(grr) (or not...)

I'm giving a shout out to my homies in cell block 8 (9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17! YAY!)  
Being in jail sucks cuz you always have to masturbate (That's what Bella does!)  
Except when a Jewish person goes to jail all my homies cheer (Huh? Why)  
They will make mince meat out of his rear (No way!)  
Ben Peddy helped me make the gangster beat to this song (Jasper did it for meeeeeeee!)  
I shot him in the face cause he looked at me wrong (...?)

I'm a gangster (I'm confuzzled!)  
I drop bombs like Hiroshima (Nope I guess I'm not a gangster...)  
I'm a gangster (Uhuh no no no)  
Bitch suck on my wiener! (BELLA!)

Bella: OKAY! Yay!

Jasper: At last! He gets it!

Edward: For shizzle!

Jasper: Damn it all to fucking hell I'll fucking kill-

**********************BEEP**********************************BEEP****************************BEEP*********************************BEEP

Clary S (me): *Looks at the script for a moment in shocked silence and horror* We will be back after these messages?


	13. Chapter 14

**Hello hello hello whats been going on here then while I was gone? Nothing? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!**

**REVIEW!**

**oh yah I saw Eclipse like 3 times It is THE best out of all the twilight movies! Less "ahhh... Edward aummm... I ... Like... am... Like in love... With you?..."**

**"Bella... Sure... but now... I like... Wana ... Kill... You..." (God I make them sound like such Emo's XD) **

**And more action! Drama! And love! Better scenes! And better acting and scripts!**

**Aliens! ********************

**

* * *

**_(Scene; The forest)_

**Edward: **Bella! Where's your ring?

**Bella: (Shifty eyes) **Ahhh... Edward? I like lost it...

**Edward: **... WHAT YOU LOST MY MOTHERS COCKTAIL RING? **(shifty eyes)** ... I mean wedding ring!...

**Bella: **Well I didn't really loose it, I like dropped it down the toilet... And it was all messed up so I didn't get it out... So I know where it is I just... Don't want it no more?

**Edward: **And the bracelet I gave you? the one I stole from Alice... I mean my mothers... Favorite... One...

**Bella: **I ... Pawned it? For crack money... For Carlisle...

**Edward: **...

**Bella: **I owe him scene as I have to folders full of unpaid hospital bills... I stood again on my toe... And and... Jacob wont pay me for B~Jays no more scene as were to be wed!

**Edward: (Screams to the sky)** I MAY JUST KILL HER NOW! GOD IS THAT THE WHAT YOUR TRYING TO TELL ME TO DO?

WHERE IS MY STUFFED SQUIRREL ARMY THEN YOU DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT! DID YAH NOW...?

**Bella: (Points all jabby like) **You can't the wolves protect me so nah! Also I have a video from our bedroom!

Of Jacob and you and I put on voice overs of you screaming his name like a fucking girl; JACOB! OH JACOB YOUR SO STRONG, SO BIG! OHHHH!

And I will give it to Emmett and Mike and you~tube and Charlie! So nah nah!

**Edward: (Says to god)** You are not a merciful god are you... I was wondering why you asked to record me saying that!

**Jacob: **I knew it you gay tick blood sucking louse bug anaconda dragon fly bee wasp lion tiger bear oh my!

**Bella: **Jacob...

**Jacob: **Bella I am A WOLF! I can tell your horny for me and my pickle!

**Bella: **No I'm horny for Edward... I think! I don't know I'm confused... I don't know about the whole inter species relationship thing you dog!

**Edward: **Jesus Bella when did you become such a ho go!

**Bella: **SHUT UP GAY BOY there's a magic announcement on the sky! oh colors... Where's the tequila? I don't know... Voices...

**Everyone: **SHUT UP!

**Emmett: **Shit this porno is nasty Edward... Pup puff... Ewe this is so going to Newton he'll add it to his collection of voice overs Bella gave him...

**Edward: **I knew she was doing that for a reason... Damn I should have never agreed to it... Even if she did give me a gummy bear army... I like armies...!

**Magic tv announcement coming from the aliens up above^^:**

teenage fans of the hit twilight saga movies have begun biting each other in a disturbing practice thats mimics the movie in AMERICA!

Them human Americans! Now I'm a big twilight fan But I aint going that far!

**Bella: **What is this world coming to... Its like the time in toys R us and the cloak...

**Emmett:** Toys R Us invisible cloak from Harry potter is fucking rubbish! Everyone in the babies R us section could still see me wanking!

**Jacob: **THATS WHAT THEY SAID !

**Bella/Edward: **... Burp! ... ... ...

**Clary S: **Okay... I have officially lost it! And I am running out or ideas! Great... My brain hurts... Any help A review might do?... Please?

Also, say Alpha...kenny...body... now say it all together 3 times fast!

**Emmett:** SERIOUS! Your disgusting! That makes me as horny as Bella!

**Bella:** I just soiled my panties!

**Jacob**: Told yah Edward!

**Edward:** Mhmhmh dribble snort dribble... Tasty!...

**Clary S:** ... ? :)

**Emmett: **Say beer can in a Jamaican accent it sounds like bacon.

**Laurent: **Bacon! I can't say Bacon! How will I order a drink!

**Jacob: **FLASH YO' TITTIES yay!


	14. Chapter 15

Ok... Clary has been gone for a long long long long long time.  
Sorry!

-1st My laptop broke and for 5 month I didn't have one as money is tight as Feck.

-2nd I was quite ill :|

And I know You probable forget my stories so if you want me to continue them I will But if not you might want to un-follow them or whatever but new stories will be up also so check them out if you enjoyed the older ones maybe you can get into them.


	15. Chapter 16

**Clary Shadows also known as Claryfey also know as Claire: **It's here it's queer now everybody cheer wooh! Guess who's baaack? Meeeeeeeow!

Guess who I brought! I DON'T KNOW! YAY!

Sorry bout the whole broken laptop scenario (Sad face) :(

But here we are again! Bring you what you love COMPLETE RANDOM SHIT! And This shit you know right here is coming to you this summer on youtube!

I have a shitty little channel that I made when I was 15! What age are you now? Why what are you a pedophile? Well pedo I'm too old for you now!

AND ALL THESE SCRIPTS ARE GOING ON IT! Once I get me some Galway actors ;D so yah I'll give you the details once I get to making them yay!

No back to what your here for...

Scene : sex.

* * *

Bella: Hey Edward?

Edward: What! What now? FUCK YOU FUCK!

Bella: WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN!

Edward: Oh did I make the baby cry? Little baby saying mean! Oh the big monster Edward is soooo meaaan he spanked my face meanie wah wah wah!

Bella: What are you a pedophile?

Edward: I'm 102... Your 17, What do you think?

Bella: Oh I failed math...

Edward:... Im stuck with a dumb shit! ... And I like it... The taste of her bl-ood ,The dumb shit that I like yeeah, vampires having bat wings- in my ass in my ass in my her ass! I...

Bella: So Edward. why is it every time we do something naughty it fades to black what is up with that shit! Seriously! Its so annoying! Grr!

Edward: Because your easier to mess with you when I knock you out duh! When your drugged I can shove it in your ear holes like there no tomorrow! HIGH FIVE!

Bella: What does you mean? What does you mean what what?

Edward: Thats shit English.

Bella: Poo poo can talk?

Edward: What?

Bella: WHAT WHAT! EDWARD YOU MAKE NO SENSE! POO!

Edward: I LIKE TO FUCK YOUR EARS!

Bella: BUT HOW DO YOU FIT!

Edward: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I FIT PERFECTLY.

Bella: O.M.G.L.M.N.O.P! YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK MAN!

Edward: WHAT NO I DON'T ITS LIKE TOTALLY AVERAGE! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT BITCH SLUT FACE?

Bella: Lies! HE LIES! HE'S LYING TO ME! AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE DO IN THE TOILET HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT POO POO IS MAMMY! MAMMY! I WANT MY MAMMY!

Edward: Stop stop no no I'm a big boy I'M A BIG BOY! MUMMY! MUMMY! WHERE MY MUMMY!

Renesmee: Goo goo? Goo goo goo goo goo goo goo goo goo! Go goo goo goo goo goo goo goo goo?

_Translation: God Sake I have no chance of being normal at all... Wait how was I born If they never fucked?_

Edward: Who's that?

Bella: What? Who!

Edward: Are you PREGNANT!

Bella: ... Ahhh AHH AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! (BREATH) ahh AHH ahh AHHHH!

Edward: SHIT SHIT SHIT BULLOCKS COCK SUCKING FUCKING SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT I DID IT AGAIN NOT AGAIN I CANT DO DADDY TO HUMAN AGAIN!

Bella: Aaahhhhh... Wait what? Edward? Huh? What? You I But We How WHAT?

Edward: LOL JK JK OJ OJ

_Translation: Laughing very nervously out loud Bella seriously it was a joke I swear It never happened it was a mistake I mean like hahahahahah Only joking... I LOVE YOU HO BAG!_

Bella:...

Edward:...

Renesmee:... ... ... Goo...

_Translation: FuckTard..._

Edward: Your baby just cursed.

Bella: MY baby? Oh no mister cake face your stuck with us or Imma get Jake to fuck your arse! Oh yahh... Cause thats how I roll... like a Rolly Polly or a Rollo Or a TobloRolly yaaah...

Renesmee: Jake? Ohhhhhhh GoO GOo GOo!

_Translation: Jake ohhh orgasmic sexy fuck!_

Bella: Oh why do I feel so horny EDWARD! NOW THAT I'M PREGO WILL YOU FINALLY TAKE ME TAKE ME I WANT IT TAKE ME TO MC DONNALDS LIKE YAAAAAAH!

Edward: IT'S JUST LIKE ITS MOTHER! IT'S MOTHER! SHITTT! RUN AWAY!

Bella: My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard damn right it's for a fucktard damn right he's in my yard Imma teach you free of charge! I like dicckies! dicks dicks dicks dicks!

Renesmee: DICK!

Edward: I'M A BIG BOY!

**REVEW! ^.^**


	16. Chapter 17

_Scene: Time with the lads._

_Turducken._

Edward: Jasper! Emmett!

Jasper: Yah? What do you want you Spork face and haired, hair rapist?

Edward: You know when I decided to be a gangster? Cause, you know, I'm so fly and black and all?

Emmett: Oh god not again... Fuck that horse girl for teaching him how to communicate! I would... Yah baby!

Edward: Yah well I've decided what to call our gang! Turducken!

Jasper:...

Emmett:...

Jacob: Isn't that a turkey stuffed with duck and chicken?

Edward: Who asked you twat face? PUSSY FACE!

Emmett: O.M.E Edward he does look like a pussy! Meeow! I love animals! They're so nummyful! Num num num! Yay!

Jasper: I'm surrounded by idiots of the seriously balloon like density ...

Jacob: Oh shit I cut myself on this knife I was holding tightly by the blade to prove my AwsomeSauceNess! You can still use it to cut Emmett's birthday cake right?

Jasper: S...ss...ssnooort Dribble... Silva...

Edward: Look Jacob your not invited to my... Jasper STOP LICKING THE DOG SERIOUSLY! He's smelly! Ew poo face! Poo face!

Jasper: Bloood! BLOOD! SHIST! HISSSST! LISPSSSSS! HAHAHA! I love this kid! Dribble. This sweet little kid and his hands mmmh!

Charlie: Boys will be boys... Horny little bastards...

Carlisle: Yah we should let them have these play dates more often! Our babies grow up so fast! Especially when we started giving them growth hormones I got from the hospital!

Charlie: Yah... You know Jacob's not my son... I just kidnapped him to brain wash him into being the next pimp for my daughter Bella, they one your shoe iron of a son dates.

Carlisle: Well Edward's not my son... I stole him for my wifey for lifey. Hey... Shouldn't you have thought Jake not to hold the blade of a knife... And not to run with scissors?

Jasper: That's it Jake! Run with those scissors! I may have sworn not to harm you... But you can still harm yourself... MwhahahaHAHAHAH!

Jacob: Killing me quickly isn't fun for Jasper! Hehe! Weeeweeeee! I LOVE SOCKS!

Carlisle: Maybe we should take them home, I can bet that they need a good nap. Trust me I'm a doctor!

Charlie: I guess your right, Come on my bottom bitch Jake! It's time to go!

Jacob: BUT CHARLIE!

Edward: Yah Jake seriously! Don't be a big, fat baby! Go home...

Jasper: Come on Jake I can hide you under my bed!

Carlisle: No Jasper, your friend has to go now, he needs to have his Bitch Slapping lessons isn't that right Jake?

Jacob: Yes Mr Cullen! Bye Everyone! Happy 111th birthday Emmett!

Everyone: FUCK OFF!

_Scene: Time __with the bures._

Bella: Rosie Posie is so mean shes a fucking drama queen!

Rose: Bella, Bella's Cindersmella, had to kiss a rapist cause she couldn't get a fella!

Alice: I am so great, I am so great, everybody loves me, I am so great!

Esme: Good girls jumping rope, They grow up so fast...

Renee: Fuck yah, girls are such bitches.

Esme: WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY BABIES?

Bella: Jesus Rose... What up your nose? You got bitch cooties up your big snooties!

Rose: Says you! You big fat boo! Look at your hair it's just a scare!

Alice: Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends?

Renee: Look at them all the do is fight like fucked up little pixies with cocks in their ears!

Esme: FUCK YOU BITCH!

Everyone: JESUS CHICKS! ALL OF YOU STOP DRINKING!

The girls(Bures): NO!

Renee: I'll fight you!

Esme: BRING IT ON HOAR!

Carlise: Esme! I'm bringing the boys in, Charlie left, I think we should... OH MY EDWARD! Thats it Esme fuck that bitch up! Masturbation time!

Emmett: Rose it's time for birthday sex!

Bella: Edward! Can we...

Edward: NO BELLA!

Alice: Jasper! I got blood!

Jasper: Fuck yes babe! Lets do it right here beside these too middle age women fighting!

Alice: YAY! He's so romantic!

Jacob: Hey Charlie... I'm in love with your grand daughter, Can I be her pimp instead?

Charlie: I'm a grandpa?

Everyone: Oh fuck it...

Renesmee: Mammy, Daddy when will you fuck so I can be born?

Edward:...

Bella:... Reviews tell Edward what you think!

**_ This wasn't one of my best chapters sorry I tried to make it funny but I was short on ideas today reviews! xxxx_**


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